Key Notes: 'Siesta Key' Episode 5 Recap

Things are heating up on "Siesta Key..." Just kidding. Things are actually relatively the same — minus the fact that Brandon has now officially moved his attention from Amanda to Madisson. Plus, the squad found out they’re going to Bimini. Oh, and our favorite lovebirds decided to take a break, because Kelsey is getting a little too cozy with the “king” of the Key (*shakes head while typing*).

OK, let’s back up.

This week’s episode opens on the end of the glamorous gala King Alex held last week for all of his nobles. Garrett has just made his dramatic exit, and the girls are comforting Kelsey as she gets misty-eyed in the corner.

Her mood picks up rather quickly when a pool party is suggested, and the girls miraculously find swimsuits to slip on and take a dip before ending in the hot tub (because, like, who even knew this was going to happen?).

This steamy scene only includes four people ... who just happen to be coupled off in their seating arrangement. Brandon hits on Madisson (without getting criticized by Kelsey — way to go, buddy!!) while Alex and Kelsey sit too-close-for-comfort next to each other and talk about our favorite Beach God / personal trainer.

Alex calls Garrett immature for not wanting to socialize more when they all hang out together, saying he’s been nothing but welcoming to the kid (because nothing is more hospitable than hitting on another dude’s girlfriend while standing three feet in front of him).

Kelsey agrees but pauses the Garrett talk long enough to flirt some more with Alex, causing us to slowly die inside.

Kelsey recounts the night with her mom while lounging in their pool, but the conversation gets serious when Momma Owens tells her daughter she’s in more pain as the days go on. The MS is really getting to her, and she’s fallen multiple times lately.

This scene, unlike the majority of this show, gives us a rare peek into a truly intimate and genuine moment in the life of the Owens family. However, like they do with anything remotely “real,” MTV found a way to ruin it by choosing to end the scene on a tight shot of a rubber duck. What kind of symbolism is that supposed to be?? (I must have missed the bath-toy motif lesson in film class.)

We won’t bore you with rundowns of every conversation, but one worth noting is the hilarious moment between Garrett and his brother Tanner. It starts serious, talking about — what else — his relationship with Kelsey, but ends with Garrett saying he can’t have cheese in his omelette because he already incorporated a fat by cooking the eggs in coconut oil.

Looking like a Greek god is hard, guys.

In the first (nearly) full-squad scene in the episode, everyone but Juliette attends a beach day behind Alex’s house, and things get awkward when Kelsey shows up with Garrett. They take a little walk by themselves to talk about how Kelsey hung out in the pool with Alex the night before, and they just hit more dead ends in their relationship.

Meanwhile, everyone else is lounging on the beach judging them. Chloe says Alex could easily snatch Kelsey up because Garrett’s doing nothing to prevent it, and nearly everyone agrees. The only person in this scene whose speaking privileges I didn't want to revoke was Madisson (again, slowly proving herself a solid LC-esque figure on the show). She stood up for Garrett and told the group she believes he truly loves Kelsey.

Chloe and Amanda have a weird come-to-Jesus talk (I thought they already made up?) that ends with Chloe saying “let’s continue to be good.”

What does that even mean?

Also, Brandon flirts with Madisson, asking the kind of painful get-to-know-you questions that should be reserved solely for icebreakers and Tinder. He sprinkles in golden phrases, like “I don’t wanna burn any bridges after you build them,” in reference to her engineering background. But it seems to work on Madisson, who tells her dad and sister Taylor about him and invites him to her graduation dinner.

Amidst slow-motion frolicking in the water, Alex tells the squad they’re taking a group trip to Bimini , and Pauly says he can make it if he changes his court date. (It’s just like rescheduling a dentist appointment, right?)

In the following scenes, we learn Madisson is indeed attracted to Brandon; Kelsey didn’t kiss Garrett on their first date; and Alex’s grandpa apparently supports breaking up other people's relationships (not that Alex really needs any encouragement). Oh, and Gary thinks his son will wind up going to law school, and thus doesn’t need a pesky girlfriend getting in the way.

Brandon and Madisson go on their first date, and Brandon confesses to never having had a girlfriend. It's a shocking revelation, considering his oh-so charming pickup lines (*gag*).

We get a peek inside the struggles Madisson's family is experiencing due to her parents’ recent separation. When she and her other sister Paige visit their mom for the first time on the show, Momma Hausburg turns down an invitation to the graduation dinner at Marina Jack, even joking her soon-to-be ex husband left her the house with the alligators out back in hopes one would eat her (yikes).

The dinner ends on perhaps the most sincere scene of “Siesta Key” yet, when Brandon takes Madisson out onto the dock and tells her he knows how hard it is to have parents who are separated (his are divorced). He offers a listening ear whenever she needs it, and Madisson responds with a kiss.

For a minute, I forgot why I usually find Brandon annoying. He should go without the creepy pickup lines more often.

Juliette and Alex sort of make up and agree to be friends, and Garrett tells Kelsey he won’t be going on the Bahamas trip and wants to take a break from their relationship (which is after Kelsey admits to flirting with Alex).

Kelsey cries and asks him if he’ll still be her friend, even if he breaks up with her (which he threatens to do if she gets with anyone on the trip). He says he isn’t sure.

The ending scene is a boat party with the whole cast, minus the noticeably absent Garrett. Chloe sums up our reaction to their break perfectly: “How convenient.”

Gear up, folks ... we’ve got a series of sizzling soirees in Bimini to look forward to next week.

- Niki Kottmann