Key Notes: ‘Siesta Key’ Episode 18 Recap

Folks, we made it.

We made it through an entire season of “Siesta Key.”

I’m not sure how or even why, but we did it.

We watched them laugh and cry, frolic on the beach, throw punches at each other, cheat on each other, write songs about each other, host awkward parties and somehow we all made it out relatively unscathed.

Please give yourselves a pat on the back or take a sip of your wine. Or chug it.  Whatever you’d like. No judgment here. (I’m watching this episode in Christmas-themed pajama pants from Old Navy and drinking $5 Barefoot riesling, so I am THRIVING.)

But before we say goodbye for now, I must do my due diligence and you give you a final recap of the finale.

Our dear Juliette is narrating and she starts off with probably the most relatable statement to ever be written into the script: “They say that being young is the best time of your life, but what they don’t tell you is that it’s also the most confusing.”

I’ll raise a glass to that.

Anyway, she continues by saying that while finding careers and things, you also have to look for love and sometimes a miracle. Honestly the only miracle I need is for this cast to get it together.

After a five-minute long recap Juliette tells us there are plenty of lessons to be learned, however it appears that no one in this entire cast has learned anything. Ever. They’re still backstabbing each other. They’re still using Snapchat to self implode. They are still hosting bad parties.

Then we have my personal favorite part of the episode. The theme song. This is what I'll miss most. 

Let’s pause for a dance break.

We start the episode with two parallel conversations — one between Chloe and Juliette and the other between Pauly and Alex — about Juliette and Alex’s relationship. Alex is stressed because he is balancing a relationship with four days of class, and he hasn’t done “anything wrong in SO LONG.” Ew. Cue me strumming the world’s smallest violin in his honor.

Then we have another orchestrated, non-organic Siesta Key party — this time’s occasion? Friendsgiving. Because nothing says friendship like spending time with lying, cheating and backstabbing friends.

Let’s bullet point this nonsense:

• Alex tries to toast while giving a history lesson about Thanksgiving. This is almost as bad as Juliette asking if geography is that subject about "World War I and s***."
• Garrett walks in with Nicole, and like most natural friend groups, everyone stops what they’re doing to stare at them while they walk in in slow motion.
• Everyone is rude AF to Nicole behind her back. Someone says “I hope she sucks.” Someone else says “Can we talk about how she’s wearing flats?” Since when does a person’s shoe preference determine their personality? If people actually chose friends based off shoes I would have maybe two friends.
• Kelsey gets mad, and Chloe tells Kelsey, once again, to tell Garrett how she feels.
• Kelsey gets mad that Chloe said that, but we all know Chloe is right per usual.
• Juliette and Nicole bond over probably their disdain for Kelsey.
• Pauly makes an announcement that everyone is invited to Brandon’s show, and I am already nervous.
• Canvas and Paige sensually share pie.
• Kelsey walks off and Garrett follows to ask how she is. She is not well.
• Finally, Kelsey says she still has feelings for Garrett and though he doesn’t explicitly say he reciprocates those feelings, he does not stop Nicole from yelling about being in the friend zone later.
• Brandon sulks in a corner alone. That is all.

We finally leave Friendsgiving and fast forward to the next evening where Madisson is getting ready for a date with Ben, and Kelsey says she is selfishly sad Madisson won’t be at Brandon’s performance. I would rather third wheel Madisson and Ben or literally any couple than watch Brandon perform, so I’m with Madisson here.

By some sheer coincidence, Brandon blows up Madisson’s phone right as she is about to leave for her date. *STAGE FIVE CLINGER ALERT*

Madisson is like nah and goes on her way with Ben.

In some place not on Siesta Key, BG is doing sound check and says he sounds good, and I am really not sure I agree. Like at all.

Then his performance starts, and I feel like I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

The only good part about this is that Kelsey and Garrett kiss. YES. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Who says love isn’t real? More to come on this later.

We travel back to Madisson’s date and Ben says he is leaving tomorrow but then announces he got that job at that one firm and is maybe staying. What a strange opener, but hey, Benny boy is sticking around! Bye, BG!

Madisson tells Ben she wants to call it a night, and every fiber of my being hoped she was going home to take off her makeup and curl up in bed but NO. Home girl goes to Brandon’s concert, and I am so disappointed.

Madisson walks in during the middle of one of BG’s songs, and like any good performer he stops that song to start singing one he wrote for a “special someone” as soon as he notices Madisson on the dance floor. *Eye roll emoji.*

I can’t really tell you much about this song other than he sings about getting a couples massage in the Bahamas, and it’s all bad. If I didn’t have to write this recap for you lovely humans, I would have muted the T.V., but duty calls.

And I’m glad I didn’t because not only does BG sing about his love for Madisson, but MTV put together the most vomit-inducing montage of Bradisson together that literally no one wanted and played it over his song.

After the song, Madisson is too emotional to function and tells Paige that the song was him being genuine. Madisson, please. You are smarter than that. That was his way of trying to get back into your pants.

Madisson leaves and actually calls it a night. Brandon is all like “where did she go?” And we’re all like “please go get some voice and lyric-writing lessons.”

Then we pan to Juliette and Alex leaving and Alex’s bros are like “yo, dude, let’s go,” and Alex is like “oh, Juliette, I said I would hang with them,” and she freaks out. They’re a long-distance couple and she misses him and wants to hang, and he doesn’t understand.

This fight blows up, and next we have Juliette waking up to a voicemail from Alex saying he doesn’t know if he can do this. I’M SORRY. A voicemail “break-up?” You’re mad your girlfriend wanted to spend time with you? You could have told her you had made other plans, homie. These people infuriate me because I do not understand how they are so bad at relationships — both platonic and romantic.

More on that later, because now Kelsey and Garrett are kissing on the beach.

But, in between tonsil hockey, Kelsey announces that Wilhelmina not only wants to hire her but needs her in Los Angeles at the end of the weekend. Timing sucks, man. It’s part of that whole being young and confused thing Juliette explained earlier.

Like the near-perfect human he is, Garrett says he wants her to succeed. But, what about us, she asks. He says not to worry about him, and frankly, I’m not sure where they stand, but they both say “I love you,” so I hope that they are a long-distance couple.

The next scene is naturally a cloudy day and Madisson meets Brandon on a pier that is definitely not on Siesta Key because I guess we’re all over the island at this point. She tells him she owes it to him to hear what he has to say, and that is 850% false. She owes him literally nothing because in case this cast has all forgotten, HE CHEATED ON HER.

Brandon says what we all already know: he wants to move forward.

Madisson says it would be tough to get to a place where she can trust him, and is all like sorry bye, I’m going to hang out with Ben. *Hand clap emoji.*

Obviously, the next scene takes place at Clasico, where, if you ever want to spot the cast, you should hang out on any given Friday or Saturday around midnight because one or two of them is bound to show up. Juliette and Chloe chat about Alex and Juliette’s fight when Chloe sees a Snapchat of Alex in a “single and ready to jingle” sweater. I swear Snapchat is going to be the end of this show. #SillyMillennials.

Juliette and Chloe decide to take a leisurely hour-long drive to Alex in Tampa to demand he remove his sweater. I mean, really, ladies, just leave him some nasty voicemails and save some gas money.

An hour later, Alex hears a knock on his door. Whoever could it be? I know. You know. We all know. Even Alex knows deep down inside ...

... It’s the pizza man. Jokes. It’s Juliette, and obviously, she is coming in hot.

“Can you take off that sweater” she asks.

“It’s really comfortable,” he says, as I actually laugh out loud. What an idiot.

Chloe corrals Alex’s boys to another room, and basically a teary-eyed Juliette asks Alex if they’re on a break. He says “I get you’re younger than me,” and I tuned him out because that has nothing to do with anything, but it seems like they are on a break because Juliette stormed out of the house. I hope Chloe didn’t have to hitchhike back to Siesta Key.

Nothing else really happens except an inconclusive montage of most of the cast lying in their bed, BG trying to make music, Kelsey packing (does this mean Madisson needs a roomie??), Madisson hugging Ben and Paige and Canvas play footsie. Oh! And Tarik looks like he’s on a date, and that is all I need to feel satisfied right now.

Kidding. I would love some answers. Mostly about Kelsey and Garrett, so MTV, help a girl out.

Until the potential next time.

~ Katie Johns