My View: It's a doggoned shame

My dog reads the newspaper.

No joke, but Red has to do it on the floor. The doggoned pages are too big for a dachshund to hold in his piddling paws.

He prefers to read in the morning rather than the evening. Says he’s too dog-tired late in the day. Red just picked up on the July 21 Longboat Observer, which reports that Max Goldner’s parents petitioned the town to allow a trial period for dogs to walk at night on the beaches of the Key. Red doesn’t know Max but has heard from me what great people his parents are.

Red greets the news with tail-wagging glee. He’s fed up with the discrimination that dogs face.

Red’s favorite newspaper section is the sports page, but he wishes they’d cover dogs chasing balls. I tell him that baseball, football and basketball are about people chasing balls. He says that proves his point.

His hero is Tony “Big Dog” Perez who played for Cincinnati’s Big Red Machine. Now he’s reduced to reading about the dog pound in Cleveland.

Red wishes there were a Dog Gone section, an obituary for famous canines. I tell him he has to settle for human obits in this dog-eat-dog world.

It really bothers him when one human being calls another “dogmeat” in print. He points out that we never write about “person meat.” And he gets incensed by references to “dirty dog.” He throws back at me my father’s belief that the mouths of dogs are cleaner than the mouths of humans. I wish I’d never told him that.

Red takes exception to a number of pejorative phrases in the newspaper: dogging it, hot dog, putting on the dog, dog-and-pony show, dog days, dog eared, dogface, dog house and dog in the manger.

I am trying to convince him that at least a few dog-related expressions have neutral significance, such as doggie bag, dogfight, dog tag and dog paddle. Maybe they’re even complimentary. And, if you ask me, “leading a dog’s life” is hardly pejorative.

Red truly believes that dogs suffer harsh discrimination. We call them “man’s best friend,” but he insists that in our daily conversation and in print, we use phrases, such as those listed above, that down them with impunity. Why, he asks, do we not drive out those uncomplimentary references by including them under the umbrella of political incorrectness?

And, as long as Red’s getting all of this off his big dachy chest, he has a few choice words about the law. If it’s illegal to deny access to humans who want to live in a condo complex, why is it OK to ban dogs? How come, asks Red, can’t he walk on the Longboat beaches? And how ignominious, he thinks, to have members of his family follow behind him with a scoop and a bag to collect his residue! Especially for a dachshund, whose noble lineage dates to Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy. You can bet that nobody trailed the Duke around with a refuse bag. But Red will suffer that ignominy for a chance to stroll on the beach.

Let’s get this fixed and give Max’s parents and the parents of other Key dogs an opportunity to show their sense of responsibility. To refuse the trial period would be a doggoned shame. Some wag will quip that this country is going to the dogs. Maybe it is, but it’s hardly their fault.

Ed Adams is a retired Cincinnati attorney, Longboat Key resident and member of the Longboat Key Revitalization Task Force.