TWIS Travel: Turn back time at Canyon Ranch Hotel & Spa

I've never had a six-pack, which sort of means I fail at being gay. I've done all the things the instruction books tell us: low carbs, plenty of exercise, lots of fresh water and circuit parties in our twenties, but I can't seem to get the abs. Trainer after trainer have all given me the same dumb advice, like "Just take a short break from wine," or "You can't eat pizza every night and expect to get a flat belly," and "Matt, if you are paying me I need you actually attempt the sit-ups and not just lie there and pretend you can't hear me." In my twenties I could sport an easy four-pack by following a simple diet plan of breathing air and eating anything in front of my face. However, all that has ended. The days of shirtless circuit parties are a faded memory and the thought of staying up past midnight on a regular basis is completely out of the question.A few weeks ago I was paddle-boarding with my Brazilian friend Tony who's in his twenties. He droned on and on about gaining a little weight in the belly. Although Tony's straight, I still have to use Jedi mind control when he's around to keep my arms from spontaneously streaking through the air and wrapping themselves around his torso. I've included a photo of Tony for your viewing pleasure ... er ... I mean to illustrate my point.

As Tony babbled on and on about his non-issue, I could not take my eyes off of his perfect body. I thought back to times in my life when I ignored the metabolism warnings of my elders. Where did time go? Where did my body go? Could I regain my metabolism? My thoughts were interrupted by Tony's stern voice---"Matt, my eyes are up here"---and we paddled home.Aging is a problem. I'm too young for surgery and too old to be boyish. Being a good Southern boy, I find the best approach to any problem with aging is to simply run away and not talk about it. So I called my therapists at Admiral Travel, who instantly caught on to my desire to reverse time. After careful consideration and a little wine, I was prescribed a five-day trip to the Canyon Ranch Hotel & Spa in Miami Beach. Canyon Ranch is like Glenda the Good Witch to your inner Dorothy. It's a health resort placed on South Beach, designed to help you become exactly what you want to be, inside and out, using fitness, trainers and fresh, clean food.

Three weeks before my visit, I got a call from Canyon Ranch to discuss my fitness goals. "I want a stomach so tight you could play quarters off of it," I told the fitness guru on the other end as I finished leftover pumpkin pie from Thanksgiving. He hesitated and asked my current dimensions. After I told him, he kindly responded, "Losing that much weight in five days would be dangerous to your health, but we will put you on track to a lifestyle to eventually get you there. Review the booklet of classes, menus and property info, and we will take great care of you."  Little did this man know that I happen to have a Ph.D. in spa and food. I know my stuff, so I was out to explore.Canyon Ranch does a terrific job of setting the grand stage of "you will never feel more fancy while sweating" when you walk into the lobby. You don't just walk to a front desk and check in.  Nope, you are escorted by the valet and offered fresh spring water infused with herbs as you sit down with your own personal receptionist. The lady welcoming me to Canyon Ranch was named Harmony. As faint scents of refreshing botanicals filled the large room, she explained that Canyon Ranch was designed to help balance my mental and physical health.

"Your job is balance and your name is Harmony?" I asked. She nodded and smiled with her beautiful white teeth, then handed me the resort itinerary with her perfectly manicured hands. She played the part of resort shaman like a boss, and this is how she set the tone:

1) There's not a resort fee and that's awesome.Many resorts offer up a mighty fine room rate to get you to book, but when you roll up you realize when you use anything outside of the room, you will pay for it in a hidden resort fee. Canyon Ranch's "no resort fee" policy covers access to the spa, the fitness facility, the beach, all fitness classes (and there are dozens), internet, certain consultations, pools and spas.

2) Canyon Ranch is a "no stare" resort. So that all guests stay super comfortable, staring is strictly frowned upon. Baffled, I asked, "Can you give me an example of someone I would stare at so I can be cognizant about not doing it?" As it turns out, Canyon Ranch is a place where Hollywood stars go to unwind, so you are not supposed to stare at anyone---which, frankly, was going to be hard for me. What if I were sitting across from Channing Tatum in the sauna? Don't stare? Humph. Good luck with that dumb rule, Canyon Ranch Spa.

3) The rooms are actually apartments. They have a living room, kitchen, balconies, a bedroom and a huge bathroom. It's like being at home, only way better and with room service.

4) Much of the resort is cell phone-free. Win.

The Room:My luggage, a duffel bag filled with BPA-free products and a bright, sweeping ocean view made me stagger as I walked in the door. A comfy bathrobe and a healthy snack were waiting on the table with a note thanking me for being there. My normal M.O. when traveling in Miami is dinner at 10:00 p.m. and then a bar, but tonight was different. I was there for health, so healthy I'd be. I donned the amazingly soft robe and made a list of the classes I would take the next day. Then I downloaded a "workout mix" which had this song that always gets me going (you'll see why it's the best workout jam ever below), and sat around like Hugh Hefner with my robe. I drank hot tea and did something I only do every couple of years. I opened the blackout curtains to let the sunrise in for the next morning, then I closed my eyes at exactly 10 p.m. to be fresh for the next day. I'm not sure of the sheet thread count, but I'd venture to say it was in the billions.

The Fitness:

Canyon Ranch has the largest fitness facility in Florida, boasting 70,000 square feet. When I say "fitness facility," I don't mean a simple little gym, either. Canyon Ranch is equipped with pools, weights, machines, rock climbing walls, studios and jogging paths. Canyon Ranch's facility is like the land of milk and honey for anyone who wants to sweat. My day began with sunrise yoga on the beach with a fresh-squeezed juice afterwards. Feeling in the rhythm of fitness, I immediately bounded into a TRX class, then breakfast, water aerobics, a beach run, lunch, rock climbing, power aerobics, a nap, personal training and dinner. By the end of the day my legs were jelly, and I couldn't keep my eyes open past 9 p.m.

The Spa:

As soon as the sun came up. I bounded from bed for day two of sunrise yoga ...... but as soon as my overworked legs touched the ground, I found myself on the floor in a puddle of  bathrobe (my new favorite thing to wear around the room). It seems I pushed myself a little too far yesterday, but it was okay because this was an excuse to hit the spa. I hobbled to the spa and made arrangements for massages, scrubs and other energy healing techniques to make me a mental rock star. All guests of Canyon Ranch have access to the spa pools and amenities, but massages are extra. The detox body wrap was my modality du jour that had me at "relax in the cocooning warmth of our dry flotation experience while your skin soaks up the benefits of the natural seaweeds, oils and lotions." Once the wrap was complete, I was encouraged to continue my state of wellbeing in the pools.

The pools are what my wildest dreams are made of. Like I said, I happen to have my Ph.D. in "spa-going" so I'm really good at this part of trips. The decor is an Egyptian/Romanesque sorta thing filled with water, slippers, heated lounges, tiles, steam, herbs, cool-downs and aromatherapy.

I reside in the school of thought where most spa treatments (i.e., color therapy and aura readings) are borderline charlatanesque, but if you have a killer spa concierge who explains the mystique, well, I'm a baited fish and suddenly cured by the energies of crystals. That's exactly what happened with this spa. My first stop was the Crystal Steam Room where I cleansed my body with soothing powers of steam, infusions of aromatic essential oils and refracted colored light. In the center of the room was a giant quartz crystal to send good vibes my way. Next, I hit the rain showers, which consisted of various rains from my choice of regions around the world. I chose the "Atlantic Storm" and closed my eyes while "lightning" flashed, crickets chirped and drops of both warm and cold rain fell on my skin. Can you say swanky?The Hydrospa, Foot Spa and Herbal Laconium were all part of my blissful day of finding balance, but the Igloo was a fun spa accoutrement I'd never seen before. In a nutshell, the Igloo is used between all the steams and relaxing heated phases. You walk into a dimly-lit room small enough to be private but large enough to make you feel like you own the place. There you enjoy cool air and three Arctic Mist experiences: menthol, mint and eucalyptus. Twinkling fiber-optics flash around you and the misty air cools the lungs, and consequently the blood, from within. The room itself is about 45 degrees, and let's just say to the fellas out there ... having that much cold hit your naked body at once can be a bit humbling, if you know what I mean. Thankfully there's no staring, right?

The Food:Because Canyon Ranch wants to make sure you are the best "you" you can be, they teach you to be conscious of what you eat. Their website explains, "Food is more than calories and nutrients; it carries information that your cells need to communicate, perform their metabolic duties, detoxify and eliminate wastes. Understanding how you turn your food into the fuel that allows you to operate optimally makes wise (and delicious!) choices far easier."

That's speaking my language.  The food is mostly salt-free and seasoned with herbs. That can be a little bland, yet understandable. Additionally, you can find nutritional information next to every menu item so you know exactly how much you are eating. Nutritionists are on site to help you find your best balance in diet, too. Food is locally-sourced, sustainable and organic, and that goes for the libations, too.

The Inner You:

Canyon Ranch sits in the space of educating people that your thoughts and your health coincide. From managing a transition in life to quitting smoking and eliminating stress, there are classes to help you transcend to the next and better "you." Plus, they help you map a future for yourself so you can prance this new and improved "you" all over creation.The week flew by and so did five pounds (yay). On my way out of the resort, Harmony grabbed my hand, gave me a sincere hug and asked how my stay was. I told her I'd learned a lot and I was lighter, so it was time well-spent. The fresh-squeezed juice in the morning, daily sweating and healthy eating had turned my complexion into a beaming example of what skin should look like. I was relaxed and ready to go back to the real world. My catty shallow side had come to terms with the whole "I'll never be as pretty as Tony" thing, thanks to the life coaches and my day one Google search of "what country do the prettiest people live in." When the results turned up Brazil, I knew I'd always be second place (let me have second for sake of the story, please) to the Brazilian Adonis. That allowed me to open up, breathe and fully enjoy my stay at the age-reversing resort on the East Coast.

Who Canyon Ranch is designed for:

Anyone can enjoy Canyon Ranch because the resort is a well oiled machine designed to cater to every type of person's needs.  I don't recommend bringing the kiddies because it's not a super kid friendly resort.  Take a group of girlfriends or surprise your better half with a long weekend.  It's a resort not to be missed.

- To see the current price guide for Canyon Ranch Hotel & Spa, click here or phone up Admiral Travel at (941) 951-1801.