COPS CORNER HALL OF FAME: Longboat Key

“Will this be in Cops Corner?”
We understand Longboat Key police get that question a lot.

“Cops Corner” debuted in its modern format Dec. 7, 1978, featuring the week’s incident reports from Longboat Key Police. Since its creation, items have been read on “The Tonight Show” and featured in New Yorker cartoons. More than 34 years after its debut, it continues to get laughs from readers week after week.

Here are a few of our favorite reports.

Jan. 1, 1979
2:29 p.m. — Woman reports someone walking in her attic. House has no attic. Frequent caller.

March 26, 1980
9:24 a.m. — Officer reports a physical clash between two men aged 75 and 76. Altercation brought to a halt by shortness of breath on both parts. Only minor injuries sustained.

May 3, 1980
5:42 p.m. — Officer reports finding unoccupied bathing suits, one male suit and one female bikini. Gentleman located later who was diligently looking for the same. Case closed.

April 20, 1981
1:20 a.m. — Alarm company reports noise at St. Mary Catholic Church. Intoxicated woman trying to get in to pray.

April 6, 1985
6:10 p.m. — 1600 block GMD. Assisted man with handcuff on left wrist, placed there by lady friend; reason unknown.

April 29, 1985
11:08 p.m. — Gulfside Drive. Man reports woman with live chicken on her shoulder refuses to leave his home. Woman escorted off Key.

Nov. 9, 1993
11:08 p.m. — Ketch Lane. Woman reports knocking at her door. Forgot she ordered pizza.

June 11, 1995
4:10 p.m. — 4000 block GMD. Female reports seeing an “America’s Most Wanted” person. Check was made, not him.

July 11, 1995
11:42 a.m. — 3800 block of GMD. Swimmer in Distress. No swimmer seen; large sea turtle may have been mistaken for swimmer.

Dec. 10, 1997
10:13 p.m. — Schooner Lane. Noise Disturbance. Search of area where women were screaming. Located two tourists in the pool. Both were fine. Both screaming because the water in the pool was cold.

April 10, 1999
9:59 p.m. — 7100 block of Longboat Drive North. Suspicious Person. Subject walking around carport with flashlight. Subject looking for mother’s teeth. She takes them out when she drives due to discomfort.

June 10, 2001
2:54 a.m. — 1500 block GMD. Suspicious Circumstance. Subject told police a woman from an escort service took $150 from him when he was undressed and intoxicated. Escort said she was paid the money to dance for the subject. Police heard from a more sober subject later, who no longer wished to make the matter a public affair.

Sept. 7, 2007
4:29 p.m. — 300 block of North Shore Road. Obscene Phone Call. A woman told police that a younger man called her by name on the phone and told her that he had met her at Walmart and they had argued about what kind of condoms to buy.

July 18, 2008
8:02 p.m. — 500 block of Bay Isles Parkway. Driving Under the Influence. A man was taken to jail and charged with driving under the influence after he failed an impairment test, even though he told police: “I wouldn’t be able to do this even if I wasn’t drinking beer.”

May 4, 2009
2:45 p.m. — 4700 block of GMD. Public Service. Police responded to a hotel about a report of missing sunglasses, only to be told by the vacationer that he had found the glasses … when they fell from the top of his head.

July 9, 2009
7:26 a.m. — 6900 block of GMD. Suspicious Circumstance. Police observed a golden toilet that was sitting on the roof of the former Longbeach Chevron building. The toilet had a face drawn on it in black paint. The owner of the property had the commode removed later that morning.

Sept. 9, 2011
4:31 p.m. — 4700 block of GMD. Mental Case. Police Baker Acted a hotel guest when he turned over his salad plate onto a chair and told police he was recently released from Manatee County Jail after Jesus Christ or the Boogeyman demanded that a store clerk install a LoJack chip inside his 10-year-old son. He also told police he was fighting the devil, threatened to eat poisoned mushrooms and asked police to wait while he grabbed his slingshot.

April 20, 2012
8:24 p.m. — 5100 block of GMD. Disturbance. The sound that a woman described as loud and “terrorist attack-like” turned out to be the call of a Chuck-will’s-widow bird. Police suggested she close her window or learn to appreciate the sound of nature.

June 18, 2003
9:35 p.m. — 1600 block of GMD. Suspicious Person. A Pennsylvania woman hanging around the Colony Beach & Tennis Resort told police she was trying to locate George W. Bush, because they were supposed to get married. The woman was a little late — Bush had not been to the Colony since Sept. 11, 2001. The woman’s current husband told police his wife had had a mental breakdown.