Peacock population: endangered status

APRIL FOOLS — Last week, the U.S. Department of Environmental Protection determined that peacocks are endangered nationwide and deserve the same protections as species such as Loggerhead turtles and Florida panthers.

That means Longbeach Village can’t touch or relocate any of the nuisance peafowl population that poops on their driveways, pecks holes in their screens and ruins the paint on their cars.

The resulting peacock crowding in the area, which Village residents already complain about, is a problem that has sparked a creative solution.  

Armed with research from a Washington, D.C., zoologist that shows loud noise and music deters peacocks from mating, Villagers rummaged through Anna Maria Island and Bradenton garage sales a week ago to find used boom boxes, stereos and speakers.

Knowing that peacocks mate in early morning and evening hours, a newly formed Village watchdog group called Abstinence for Peacocks sent flyers to homeowners asking them to crank up their stereos and subwoofers from 5 a.m. to 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. daily to prevent mating.

James Braha, who’s monitoring the peacocks when the music is on, says the experiment has been successful in eliminating peacock romance in the neighborhood.

“I’ve seen peacocks jump off each other as soon as the music starts blaring,” Braha said.

And the music has brought the close-knit community even closer.

The Villagers have created nightly block parties that include nightly dances known as Mambo Monday, Tango Tuesday, Waltz Wednesday, Tapdance Thursday, Flamenco Friday, Salsa Saturday and Sinatra Sunday.

There’s only one problem: The Village is in clear violation of the town’s noise ordinance, and nearby Whitney Beach and Sleepy Lagoon residents who are already annoyed with noisy boaters blaring music during the day can’t take it anymore.

Police Chief Pete Cumming and Town Manager Dave Bullock are working to modify the town’s noise ordinance because it currently doesn’t have a decibel level that can be measured to clearly enforce the ordinance.

Sleepy Lagoon resident Ann Roth has created another group called Neighbors Against Noisy Neighbors.

“We’re fed up,” said Roth, whose group is planning a silence march through the Village Friday night during the Flamenco dance. The group won’t yell, but it plans to march in silence with earmuffs on while passing out decibel meters and Tylenol P.M. packets to belligerent Villagers.

The Department of Environmental Protection has asked Villagers to pipe down as well: The agency is currently drafting regulations that could limit noise in areas with a peacock population in an effort that’s similar to turtle-lighting rules for Gulfside properties that it enacted decades ago to protect endangered turtles.

Braha also attempted to vent his frustrations to Department of Environmental Protection officials.

Peacocks arrive on south end

Longboat Key police were dispatched to an emergency on the Harbourside golf course last week after a peacock scratched a golf club after seeing its reflection. Police discovered six peacocks strolling the course, raising suspicions that residents illegally relocated the birds because the island’s peacocks are territorial and don’t leave the Longbeach Village.

Longboat Key Police Chief Pete Cumming said a detective found a pair of abandoned black leather Flamenco dance shoes in the bushes on the golf course near the peafowl, leading police to believe some residents left a Village Flamenco Friday dance party to relocate them.

North end resident and Commissioner Pat Zunz said it might be time for south-end residents to put up with what the Village has had to deal with for years.

“The Urban Land Institute said we all need to work together to overcome obstacles,” Zunz said. “Well, this is a big obstacle everyone in town should have to deal with.”

Some Harbourside residents, meanwhile, received anonymous CDs in the mail this week labeled “Salsa Saturday mix” and “Sinatra Sunday mix” with a cryptic inscription: “If you don’t want those birds to mate and prance, it’s time to blast the music and dance.”

Hopefully you made it to the end of the article, so we can say, Happy April Fools' Day! This story is not true.