Theater Review: 'The Customer Is Always Right'

Hey, don’t we have enough live theater in this town? If you ask Jo Morello, the answer is “no.” That’s why she recently launched the Starlite Players — a motley assortment of highly motivated, seriously talented local directors, playwrights, actors and theater techs. Judging by the name, you might think they perform under the stars. Actually, they do their thing in the Starlite Room’s second floor performance space at the former Broadway Bar. Their first thing was “The Customer is Always Right” — a series of five comedy short plays or slightly long comedy sketches, depending on how you look at it.

Read on for a quick sample. (Spoilers will ensue.)

Larry Parr’s darkly hilarious “A Line of Malarky” answers the question of why wives usually outlive their husbands. They kill them, of course. Lucille Malarky (Mary Jo Johnson) and a visitor (Skyla Dawn Luckey) swap murderous memories while haggling over a teapot at a yard sale. Problem is, the remains of Lucille’s husband are inside. But they find a creative way of disposing of them. (Directed by Mark Woodland.)

Jack Gilhooley’s “Penitents” is a satirical swipe at the common ground of Father Freud and the Catholic Church, namely confession. It starts when a psychiatrist (Jeremy Guerrero) says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned” at a confessional. A woman’s voice (Alison Prouty) corrects him with, “Bless me, Mother.” It turns out they know each other. And they’ve got a lot to confess. (Directed by Jack Gilhooley.)

Philip W. Hall’s “Customer Service” takes you to the seventh circle of phone support hell — specifically cable TV phone support hell. After navigating an interminable robotic voice menu, a man (Ren Pearson) reaches a seemingly all-knowing woman (Delia Revard). He begs her to free him from a channel he doesn’t watch and can’t afford. I’ll let you be the judge as to whether she grants his wish. (Directed by Preston Boyd.)

Hall’s “No Sugar” hinges on a diner waitress’ refusal to give a man a cup of coffee with no sugar — which segues into a dispute about the relative virtues of donuts and pie. They discuss these trivialities with heavy, dead-serious dialog straight out of a “Playhouse 90” episode from the 1950s. Probably starring William Shatner. (Directed by Preston Boyd.)

Marvin Albert’s “Thanks for the Memories” shows us an elderly couple (Jenny Aldrich Walker, and Chuck Conlon) planning a close encounter of the romantic kind with the aid of a little blue pill. A cop (Dave Downer) informs them they’re not actually a couple — and they’ve wandered away from their assisted living facility. But they decide to go through with their plans anyway. (Directed by Mark Woodland.)

The bits are consistently funny, with snappy, well-written dialog reflecting the minds who wrote them. As Shakespeare reminds us, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” It takes a lot of wit to say what you have to say, shut up and leave ’em laughing.

The Starlite Players are a witty troupe indeed.