Key Notes: 'Siesta Key' Episode 7 Recap

I’m just going to come right out and say it. Episode seven of “Siesta Key” was more anticlimactic than the hurricane that preceded it on the very same barrier island.

The difference here is that the people of Siesta Key and Sarasota as a whole are thrilled by the lack of drama resulting from Irma. I, however, could have gone for a few extra scoops of drama in my weekly cup of warm, refreshing reality television that distracts me from the theatrics of my own personal reality.

This week’s episode begins with a very odd montage of half of the main cast working out, so that’s how I knew I was in for a treat. As if I don’t see enough of Brandon, Garrett, and the Mighty King of Siesta Key Himself working out daily on their Instagram stories (oh, the accounts you follow in the name of entertainment journalism), but now I have to see Juliette look good while she talks about how she and Alex “use each other”? This is torture.

After we’re done watching the cast do what they do best — try and unfortunately succeed, for the most part, to look hot — we’ve learned a few things.

1. If you’re “friends” with Garrett Miller’s ex-girfriend, you apparently get free personal training sessions with him (way to use your connections, Chloe).

2. Garrett is the only remotely decent guy on this show for being the only one to tell Chloe she doesn’t need to worry about her weight (and we’ll just ignore how two seconds after he tells her that, he has her lifting weights).

3. Juliette’s friend Hannah has now officially taken over the title of most reasonable person on this show for telling Juliette that she needs to quit whatever the hell she’s doing with Alex because going back to him is plain stupid (amen, sista).

4. I dislike Pauly even more than I originally thought I did.

Next, we move on to a shockingly civil dinner with Brandon and his divorced parents. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of civil dinners with just me and my divorced parents, but this one gets weird when Brandon’s dad starts asking his son about the “relationship” side of life, or whatever weird way he put it. Brandon proceeds to tell him about Madisson and his dad says something like “That’s called love,” while his mother sits there quietly smiling.

I’m aware that I’m probably overanalyzing this scene, but I was just picturing myself in Brandon’s shoes and I guess I’m envious of how normal he made this interaction seem. I would have done an awkward laugh and made a desperate attempt at a change in subject.

Speaking of parental interactions, we’re also forced to watch another conversation between Kelsey and her mom about Garrett. Bless Kelsey’s mom for putting up with this crap, because I’m over Kelsey’s whining. She can’t have both a relationship with His Majesty and a friendship with the God of Fitness. Pick one.

Oh, and while on the subject of ~bOys~ let’s not forget that Madisson starts to lose her spot in my heart when she decides that somehow it’ll be OK to have a party in which her ex-boyfriend and her current fling hang out. I don’t know about you, girl, but I learned from several earlys ‘00s romantic comedies that anytime that both men from your past and present are in the same room with you, s*** is going to hit the fan.

Garrett makes another brief appearance in this episode (*gasp* outside of the gym or the beach) to have a weird coffee rendez-vous with Kelsey. She tells him there were no sparks between she and Alex, but then proceeds to tell her mother that she has chemistry with Alex just a few scenes later. This is just another reason to fuel my current distaste for Kelsey.

Alright back to Madisson. Now ex-boy-toy Grant from college is in town, and he’s a total dork. Bot not the likable kind. I find myself REALLY rooting for this guy because I think Madisson and I are kindred spirits in that we like intelligent, somewhat goofy guys who are definitely too sensible to go sand boarding hours before a hurricane is hitting that very beach (again, I need to stop watching Alex’s instagram stories, but they’re oddly addicting). But this guy opened with “Are ma ma and pa pa all good?” and my Little House on the Prairie phase ended eons ago.

My wonderful roommate Katie pointed out that this guy is exactly like Josh Groban’s character (who’s so forgettable I don’t remember or care to remember his name)  in Crazy Stupid Love, and I think that’s the perfect comparison.

Anyway, let’s do a lightning round of what else happened so we can get to the worst party this show has ever seen.

What else happens before the party:

• Chloe seens a psychologist to talk about how to handle her anger and I’m reminded of how annoyed I am that she’s casted as the crazy one just for speaking her mind. She also drops the news that she’s trying to move into her own apartment.

• Chloe follows what very well may be her psychologist's advice and has a very mature conversation with Alex about why she’s upset with him. It ends with her alluding that she thinks she might need to take him out of her life (*insert clapping emoji*). He doesn’t take it well — shocker — and the end of the conversation is a bit of a cliff hanger after the most ridiculous audio muffling ever (Alex essentially turns into the teacher from Charlie Brown and it’s amazing, so thank you, MTV).

• Kelsey warns Madisson about how hard it’s going to be to have both Grant and Brandon at her party. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

• Madisson facetimes Brandon to let him know her ex is coming to her mom’s shindig. I spend most of the scene distracted by whatever’s happening with Brandon’s hair (which is a reoccurring theme of this episode).

Finally, the main event arrives. The most uncomfortable barbecue in television history.

First of all, can someone tell me who the hell thought it would be believable that Madisson’s mom would actually host a party for herself and only four of Madisson’s friends (three of which her daughter has supposedly at least made out with in the last year or so)?

My theory: This was not her mother’s idea, this was 100% Gary Kompothecras’ idea. As one of the show’s executive producers and no doubt greatest supporters, Gary clearly has leverage. My thought is that he decided he wanted to devise a plan for the most awkward gathering in history in order to make his son look like the only normal one for once, henceforth making it easier for him to get some action from the only available girl at the party (and therefore living vicariously through his son as he has since he decided to shoot a pilot for this show two years ago).

This party is so unfortunate on so many levels that I’m not even sure how to get into it, so all I’m going to mention are the highlights:

1. Brandon has a wonderfully comical foreshadow when he tells Alex before walking into the party that it’s going to be a “whole house full of exes.” #TBT to before Madisson left Siesta Key and earned a challenging bachelor’s degree, therefore realizing how stupid it is to like Alex.

2. Alex actually makes me laugh for the first time ever when he cuts off Madisson’s ex-boyfriend with a “nah probably not” when he starts to say he thinks he’ll continue to come down and visit her.

3. Ex-boyfriend Grant’s dance moves make me squirm even more than Brandon’s, so that’s how you know they’re bad.

4. Brandon shares a swing with Madisson’s mom and the disgust level is so intense, puke starts to creep up my throat. WHAT IS HAPPENING AND HOW DID MTV ALLOW FOR THIS LEVEL OF INTIMACY?

5. Madisson disappoints me when she tells Brandon there’s nothing going on with Grant even though she just told Alex she would consider moving to NYC like Grant suggested.

6. Alex makes a move and kisses Kelsey but the most unsettling part about it is that Madisson watches through the window and calls it cute.

Alright, I have to unpack a hurricane survival duffle, so that’s all I have in me. Get excited for next week when Juliette snatches up Garrett and stirs the pot.