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Dear Freya:
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He works a lot and I’m left alone to look after our 2 kids; so much so, that I’m starting to get fed up. I understand that he has to work hard to provide for us but I don’t think he realizes how much work it is for me. I feel frustrated and alone. Amy.
Dear Amy:
I applaud you for reaching out for help. Too many times, couples continue with situations that aren’t working instead of looking for alternative solutions. This often ends up growing into bigger problems that could cause them to separate. I doubt that is what either one of you want.
One of the first things you can do is to communicate. If you can discuss issues without serious heat, then that’s a big step in the right direction. Set up a time to do this together, without your children. Talk about your feelings and use “I” statements. Don’t tell him how he feels; be willing to sit quietly and hear him while he shares how he feels. After you each share, the other person should repeat back what they heard their partner say, so that both people feel heard. It may feel awkward at first, but it does work and will create a healthy pattern for future discussions. Many times, when couples get busy, they get complacent in their relationship and forget that it needs nurturing.
Healthy relationships do take work. Explore ways in which you can share in some of the work at home. You married because you wanted your mate as a partner. When we divide duties, we can feel very alone. Remind him how much you miss his company. It is also important for the two of you to have time alone, so you can nurture your intimate relationship.
Maybe in his efforts to be a good provider, he doesn’t realize the toll it is taking on your relationship. Don’t be afraid to explore options. Don’t start thinking you know the solution. Start with dialogue that you are frustrated and you need his help in finding the solution, then find the solution together.
Think about things you have done together previously and include them back into your routine. Make a list of activities you enjoy together, prioritize what is important to you as a couple. Try some, then set a time to evaluate if the changes help or you need to make more.
Have a relationship question for Freya? Email [email protected] with subject line: “Healthy relationships submission” to give consent to anonymously publish. All names will be changed/omitted prior to publication. All emails without this subject line will be considered private and confidential.
Freya Robbins, CDFA
Supreme Court Certified
Mediator
941-366-0202
3737 S Tuttle Avenue
Sarasota, FL 34239
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