- October 19, 2022
-
-
Loading
Loading
Listen up, losers.
Summer is almost over, and Juliette has learned some stuff.
Sorry, I’m not calling you, our dear readers, losers. I’m imagining how much funnier the intro to this episode could have been if that was the opening narration instead of Juliette trying to convince us she’s learned sooooooooo much this summer.
Anyway, following a recap of last week’s episode (every relationship is a dumpster fire in case you forgot), the group gathers at Rocco’s Tacos for a benefit Kelsey organized in order to raise awareness for multiple sclerosis.
I just want to say that I’m happy that Kelsey gets a spotlight this week. We haven’t heard much from her lately, and it’s a little bit of a breath of fresh air.
Anyway, the only notable things that happen here are that Jacob (I straight up forgot his name until Amanda yelled it seven minutes later ... oops) surprises Kelsey by showing up, Madisson annoyingly does drum sound check with Brandon and Kelsey gives a teary speech about her mom.
I wish more had happened, but alas, this show is apparently allergic to meaningful conversations and topics.
Oh, but I would like to give MTV props for playing music over Brandon and Pauly singing. That’s a power move if I’ve ever seen one.
Anyway, elsewhere in paradise, Carrot (Cara and Garrett in case you forgot the most iconic relationship name), meet to talk about their relationship status.
Basically, they’re back together. Cara says it (visiting Alex) won’t happen again and it sounds so scripted it seems like she’s apologizing to her dad for sneaking in past curfew.
BUT now is also the time Garrett decides to tell Cara he’s been offered a dream job, but it requires a lot of traveling.
Nothing is really resolved there, so let’s move back to the Rocco’s Tacos and the MS benefit.
All night, Juliette has smartly kept her distance from Alex, but eventually he stumbles over to her and she tells him this night isn’t about them and she doesn’t want to cry and cause a scene so she walks away. You know that gif of Meryl Streep at the Oscars where she’s throwing her arm up in sheer joy?
That was me when Juliette did that.
Anyway, MTV brings us back to Carrot. The two are frolicking on the beach, just like their second date that was mmmm five minutes ago?
Garrett says that he wants Cara to travel with him, to which she says:
“What would I do? Just follow you around?”
Fair point, but then she loses me because she tells Garrett he should go to Italy with her, to which he says ehhhhh well ... like this job?
Just kidding he doesn’t say that, but I bet he was thinking it.
I’m proud of her for choosing to be independent and not follow him, but then she can’t get mad when he says he can’t just go to Italy. (But, Cara, if you need a travel buddy, I will happily go to Italy).
Then Garrett makes it about money and Cara gets mad.
I would also like to know if touring personal trainers are a thing? What exactly is this job? Someone please help me understand.
After a quick commercial break, Chloe, Madisson, Amanda and Juliette have a girls’ night poolside.
Madisson quickly shuts down the convo about her and Ben, looks at Juliette and says:
“Tomorrow is your birthday. What’s going on with you and Alex?”
I don’t think those two things are related, but this is apparently the script she’s been given.
Juliette says she feels numb.
So do we, Juliette, and our eyeballs and our ears, and quite frankly our brains too. How you put up with this scumbag for this long is shocking.
She says Alex is afraid to give her space because he knows she’ll move on, so at least she knows what game he’s playing? Maybe? I’m just looking for a silver lining here.
What’s that? I should give up?
I’m not a quitter, but I’ll stop for now.
Finally, the day has come! The birds are singing, the sun is shining and Juliette is 21! Guys! She’s going to have her very first sip of alcohol! Do you think she’ll like it??
I think she does because people keep giving her shots and rosé, like literally, rosé all day, er episode.
Thankfully, Alex keeps his sorry self away from the festivities at first, which means Cara and Juliette have a heart-to-heart, and Cara even fixes Juliette’s birthday sash.
That is some drunk girl support if we’ve ever seen it. The moment is made even better when Juliette says her upside-down sash is symbolic of her life. This birthday girl is funny, huh?
Across the room Kelsey and Madisson are looking lovingly at their baby Juliette — who actually seems genuinely happy. They are happy she’s happy in her own skin away from Alex.
But that doesn’t last long. Dun dun dun ...
Before that part, though, we should talk about Jared and Madisson. In case you forgot, at the end of last week’s episode, Jared was driving to Madisson’s house only to see Brandon there and then threw the bouquet of flowers dramatically into a stranger’s trash can.
I know we hate recapping last week’s episode, but that scene is too iconic to not bring up.
Anyway, at the party, Madisson and Jared are catching up at the bar. Madisson says she will always be his friend.
It was the perfect transition for him to pour his heart out, and bless him, he did. He really did, but Madisson only wants to be friends because she is fresh off her breakup from Ben (fair point) and starting to hang out with Brandon (bad, very very bad).
He keeps it classy and says she has to do what makes her happy.
It appeared the party was going too well because Alex is zipping across what we think is Tampa Bay in his boat to save (read: ruin) the day.
Before he can even finish tying his boat to the dock, Juliette is making her way toward him for God knows what kind of confrontation.
Juliette says nothing, so naturally Alex takes that as a sign that he should grace us with his vocabulary. He said he wouldn’t miss this day for anything.
She starts crying because, well, it’s her party and she’ll cry if she wants to.
He tells her not to though, because telling someone not to cry is a surefire way to get them to stop.
Back at the party, where everyone is watching the two of them, Kelsey says Alex grew up in a world where money can buy happiness. Madisson asks her “Can Juliette be bought?”
Only time (the next 45 seconds) will tell.
Alex gives her a necklace and she continues to cry. If I were her, I would have let him clasp the necklace, then ripped it off and threw it in the bay. (But I wouldn’t have really because that’s bad for turtles and all other marine life.)
But alas, Juliette is very different than me, and accepts the necklace in all its glory.
Alex continues to make a fool of himself by saying there is a lot of temptation in life, especially for him. We love a privileged college student.
Pauly joins Chloe and Amanda in their eavesdropping from the rooftop where the group is partying. Pauly, who is always so eloquent, says maybe Juliette doesn’t want what’s best for her.
We try to understand what he means, but we can’t.
Anyway, Juliette tries to get Alex to admit to cheating, but he won’t. So she invites him into the party, and they kiss. The whole time Alex is smiling because he knows he got away with his sleazy ways. Ughhhhh.
Amanda says “I want to jump over this fence and push them in the water.”
We will retweet that one.
The next few minutes are mindless, so here are some bullets:
I’m getting rid of bullets because Chloe spills some piping hot tea.
Sidenote: Chloe could honestly be as good as the Upper East Side’s Gossip Girl if she wanted to be. But she just likes having all the attention. If she ever wants to start her own site, though, I would be totally supportive.
Anyway, here’s the tea:
An ex of Alex’s, it’s unclear which one, so we’ll say C12, texted Chloe screenshots of things Alex texted her.
Basically, he’s still in love with her. MTV is sneaky and doesn’t show us any names, so we’ll need more proof but maybe this is the final nail in the Alex-and-Juliette coffin?
You would think, but Chloe has more!
She also has a video of Alex making out with some girl. She is sure this is going to be the end of Alex and Juliette.
Is it?
Who can say? That’s how the episode ends. I guess we’ll all have to tune in next week for the season finale! Yes, finale!
