Who Makes the First Move?

I recently did a review of past client files; I noticed a few interesting patterns. I am happy to say that during the 16 years of my mediation practice, I have helped over 800 couples take the first steps toward their new lives.

What I found interesting is the dominant pattern of who initiates the divorce process. Do you have any idea whether the husband or the wife requests a divorce more often, and why? 

One person has to make the first move, which is to call my office for a complimentary 15 minute consult with me. I educate them about the mediation process and gather some general information about their situation, such as how long they have been married, how many minor children do they have, if they are both working, do they own their own home, own any businesses, etc. I also ask if they have been to marriage counseling to try to work things out.

Nearly 70% of the time, it is the woman who makes this call. Why do you think that would be? Is there anything we can learn from this pattern to help us understand and even save our own relationships? 

Let’s tackle why women call first. I believe women are less inclined to stay in a situation or relationship that they are not satisfied with. Men, as a general rule, will remain in a relationship even if they are not happy. Maybe men are more tolerant or more accepting that marriage is not perfect. Or, is it that they are unaware there is a big issue?

Now I think we are touching on something. Oftentimes, when the woman mentions how unhappy she is, the husband is looking around to figure out who she is talking about! I see it time and time again. One party is ready to call it quits, while the other has to play catch up to find out what is going on.

Ladies, your husband does not know you are dissatisfied with your relationship. We are talking about communication. You know the old saying, “I shouldn’t have to tell him how I am feeling.” Well, should or shouldn’t aside, you do need to tell him because he really doesn’t know. Hints are just that; they are not a healthy form of communicating the status of your relationship.

So, I suggest that you share your honest feelings. If you find that hard to do, start with counseling or a good life coach to get your gumption up for that conversation. It is worth it. It could save your marriage. It could also end it too, but either way you would be moving forward towards enjoying life.

I am happy to refer you to good counselors, life coaches and attorneys. I also offer Marital Mediation, which can be a safe and practical first step if you are experiencing difficulty. Call 941-366- 0202 today for your complimentary chat with me or visit www.ZollingerMediation.com for more information.