- October 19, 2022
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On April 30, Payton Kinney got her edge back.
Pitching in the final inning of the University of Connecticut's softball game against DePaul University, Kinney found herself with the chance at a save — in a game she also started. Kinney, a Lakewood Ranch High grad, pitched into the sixth inning but was pulled for senior Meghan O'Neil after giving up a run, DePaul's first run of the game. Kinney left with a 2-1 lead. O'Neil allowed two runs to score in the sixth, giving DePaul a 3-2 lead heading into the seventh. But the Huskies retook a 4-3 lead, and in the bottom of the seventh, after O'Neil allowed the first two batters to reach base, the Huskies went back to Kinney.
Kinney, a vocal player when on the mound, said DePaul had been letting her have it all game, making fun of how she yelled to herself after good pitches among other insults. But in the seventh, bolstered by her team's faith that she'd get the job done, all the jabs did was make Kinney mad. It helped her lock in her focus, she said.
It helped her feel like a version of herself again, something she had not felt in a long time.
While pitching during the 2021 fall season, Kinney felt a pop in her right shoulder. This wasn't completely abnormal, Kinney said. She had felt some amount of pain in her pitching shoulder dating back to her high school career, usually increasing as seasons went along and she felt more worn down, then feeling better with rest. But when rest didn't help, Kinney and UConn's team doctors figured out the pain was not normal.
Kinney had overused her shoulder muscles to the point that her labrum had torn in multiple places, and that wasn't all.
"The ligaments and tendons holding my shoulder in place were so loose that my shoulder was dislocating," Kinney said.
Kinney had surgery to repair her labrum and tighten her shoulder ligaments and tendons in September 2021. She would not start her pitching regimen again until June 2022. That period of time would not be easy for Kinney. Alongside constant physical therapy to regain strength in her shoulder, Kinney said, her mental health took a toll.
"I had a hard time seeing my teammates out on the field (without her)," Kinney said. "I wanted to support them, but I still had that roadblock of not being able to play. It was a struggle."
Kinney said it became so difficult that she ended up not traveling with the team on road trips, though she still attended the team's home games. Kinney said her coaches and teammates were supportive of her decision. Kinney began seeing a sports psychologist, who gave Kinney advice on how to move past her mental blocks, including to stop looking so far into the future. Instead of counting down the days until she could start throwing again, which can induce anxiety, Kinney's psychologist advised her to think more about her current circumstances.
"The past is in the past, and I can't change it," Kinney said. "The future is unpredictable. I might as well live in the present. What can I do now that will make me happy? Because softball can't be my outlet right now. I ended up doing things to figure out what my interests in life are and who I am as a person. It was a cool journey that I went on."
Kinney, an English major, turned to books. Kinney said getting lost in the pages of a compelling narrative, be it real or fictional, distracted her from the overwhelming emotions she was feeling. She could become someone else for as long as the story lasted, then do it again, becoming someone else. They ranged from "Good Vibes, Good Life" by Vex King, to novels from bestselling writer Colleen Hoover, to books about military veterans and how they dealt with their experiences upon coming home.
Eventually, Kinney got through her rehab and returned to the mound, but her struggles were not all gone. Kinney said she felt the pressure of living up to her freshman season, when she made 20 starts, held a 2.99 ERA and was named to the Big East All-Tournament team, among other accomplishments.
In July 2022, Kinney started experiencing panic attacks for the first time. Her heart would race and her chest would tighten, which made it difficult to breathe without hyperventilating, Kinney said. She would get overstimulated by things like bright lights and get a debilitating migraine. Kinney said sometimes there was a trigger for the attacks, but other times they just happened out of nowhere.
In August 2022, Kinney was officially diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder. Kinney said she still gets panic attacks and has even experienced them while pitching, sometimes asking to come out of a game as a result. Kinney said her coaches and teammates have supported her in this, too, especially junior catcher Lauren Benson, who will visit the mound and help Kinney take deep breaths.
Knowing that her teammates care more about her than whatever is happening during a game has been a boost, Kinney said. It has not been easy, but Kinney has gradually learned to manage her anxiety, preventing it from taking over by leaning on her support system.
Kinney said she has been hesitant to share too much about her anxiety out of not knowing how people will react or think of her. But as she's learned to manage it, she's become more comfortable with who she is — and sees talking about it as a way to reduce anxiety's stigma in the athletic community.
"I guarantee a thousand people before me have gone through this and a thousand coming up the chain will, too," Kinney said. "Being in athletics, mental health is starting to be more prioritized, but it has never been the No. 1 concern. You're not taught to talk about what you're going through. You're told to be tough and push through anything. Being able to tell my story may help some little girl out there who doesn't know what's going on or how to navigate it."
With the support of her program, Kinney returned to the mound for the start of the 2023 season. Though Kinney said there have been ups and downs, like any season, and she's been learning to navigate her anxiety, her stats speak for themselves: as of May 5, Kinney holds a 2.36 ERA and a 10-5 win-loss record.
But as good as her numbers are, Kinney said she still didn't feel all the way back until April 30 against DePaul, in that fateful seventh inning.
The Blue Demons' taunts did nothing: after one walk, Kinney shut down DePaul's offense to secure a 4-3 Huskies win. The victory clinched a share of the Big East regular season title for UConn, the program's second-consecutive conference title — but the first where Kinney feels like a part of the team again. The Huskies have just 16 players on their roster, but Kinney said the players' closeness, developed in part by how they support each other through whatever they're dealing with, acts as a secret weapon.
With Kinney in the fold, they're capable of a lot this postseason. And Kinney is feeling better than she has in a long time.
"That (game) gave me my edge back," Kinney said. "You can try to tear me down, but I will persevere. I will get through this and come out on top."
The Huskies will now host the Big East Championship tournament May 10-13.
