Blue Butterfly manager provides a lifetime of hugs to children who are grieving

When I was 10 years old, I never thought of what I wanted to do past the age of 11.

When Danielle Wondrak was 10, she knew what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.

Wondrak is the manager of the Blue Butterfly Family Grief Center in Lakewood Ranch. She has held that position the last seven years, and the previous three years she did "grief work" in Fort Myers after graduating from Florida Gulf Coast University with a bachelors degree in psychology and a masters in social work.

Wondrak remembered during her early years in Lake Worth wanting to be a teacher, then, at 10 years old, her father died.

With her entire family suffering from the death of her dad (Ralph Visone), her mother (Roseanne Visone) took her and her brother (Joseph) to the Hearts and Hope program, which bills itself as "Finding hope in grief."

It was a safe haven for those who are grieving, and Wondrak remembered being moved in a positive way.

"I went to Hearts and Hope and it was a magical experience," Wondrak said. "No one cares what a kid has to say, but when I went there it was like "Wow, I get a chance to talk, and share my thoughts about him. This was amazing."

It made such an impact that Wondrak made up her mind that she wanted to work with those in grief, and especially children.

The Tidewell Grief Care Blue Butterfly program gave her that chance upon its formation seven years ago. The Blue Butterfly website notes that it is "an evidence-based community outreach program for children ages 5-18 and their caregivers who have experienced the death of a significant person in their lives. Our evidence-based therapy works to help kids avoid adverse behavioral responses, while giving them the chance to connect with others like them, who have also experienced loss."

"I was able to create the model curriculum," Wondrak said. "I was able to train the counselors."

Although she is the program manager, she still works with individuals one-on-one when needed.

Much of what she knows about the grieving process has come through education and experience, but a large part comes from her traumatic experience with her dad's death.

Her father had thyroid cancer and died only a few months following his diagnosis. Still, Wondrak said that such a period could have given her, even at the age of 10, time to prepare for his death.

However, no one ever told her that her dad was, indeed, dying. She was told to pray about it, which she figured would save the day.

It didn't.

Photo by Jay Heater

"I thought I just didn't pray correctly," she said. "No one ever sat me down and said, 'You're dad is dying.' I was ultimately shocked."

From her experience, she learned that children need the truth.

"They can't heal from something if they don't know the truth," she said.

Wondrak and her staff work with children who have lost loved ones in every way possible. It could be a long illness, or a shocking heart attack or stroke. Their life changes in an instant due to an accident, and in agonizing situations, some are left behind by those who take their own lives.

Because of that broad spectrum, the Blue Butterfly program does a psychological social assessment of each child.

Wondrak notes that families teach their children differently about what happens to a loved one after death. That can figure into the direction the Blue Butterfly staff takes.

"What we know is that it is normal to grieve," Wondrak said. "Where we get concerned is when grieving changes eating or sleeping habits or school performance. We are concerned when a child no longer does the things that were fun before the death. We feel that everyone can benefit from group support, and letting them know they are not alone."

It's obviously essential work, that I never would want to do. I know that I couldn't be a policeman, to deal with those kinds of problems on a daily basis. I would never want to be a doctor, whose entire career involves dealing with sick people. And I absolutely know that I couldn't walk in Wondrak's shoes, dealing with grief on a daily basis.

"I do think about it a lot," she said. "If dad didn't did, I wouldn't be involved in this job. But I do believe that God has given me a purpose. I get to be with someone on their worst day, and I know every day is going to be a little better. Our approach is like a warm hug."

But how can she stop from absorbing someone else's grief?

"This gives me hope," she said. "And joy. Recently we worked with children whose two dads (completely different situations) set themselves on fire. Set themselves on fire! The kids attached to those families need us."

Wondrak calls herself a daddy's girl who spent a lot of time healing her heart.

"Butterflies were always my symbol for my dad," she said. "You know the song .... Butterfly Kisses."

Now Wondrak works to teach those in the program about tangible things that can keep the memory of their loved one alive.

"And if they don't want to be here, we respect that, and we can refer them out. But when we sit down and talk to them, we can meet them where they are at."

The program, which works with children in Charlotte, Manatee and Sarasota counties, works with about 400 kids per year. Wondrak said a typical length of time to work with a child is about a year. Some stay less or longer.

"You never get over grief," Wondrak said. "We use the words, 'move forward.'"

She uses her own story as an example and she notes, while listening, she wants to "hold her emotions, not crying herself and not being shocked."

"If they are crying, we don't offer them a tissue," she said. "That is saying that you want them to stop."

Still, it's got to be a lot to hold inside when she goes home to her husband Patrick and her 5-month-old daughter Lily.

"When I see they have a light in their eyes, and a genuine smile, I know my program provided them with that," Wondrak said. "This is a passion project, a calling."

To find out more about the Blue Butterfly program, and how you can help, go to BlueButterflyCenter.org.